A Person’s Capacity for Deep Longing (Our Core Values)
This is our ability to experience life through deep longing. These are the reasons why we do things in life, what drives us, our longing to connect with other people etc. These can be described as our ‘core values’.
Our core values play an enormously important role in our emotional well-being. We feel authentic when we are being true to our core values, numb when we are indifferent to them, guilt and shame if we violate them, and completely hopeless when we lose touch with them.
To value someone or something is to consider that person or thing as important and worthy of our appreciation, time, energy, and, if necessary, sacrifice. Valuing strengthens the ‘self’. We become fuller people when we love, appreciate, connect and improve.
Understanding Our Core Values
What’s the most important thing about you as an individual?
This is a challenging question to answer, mostly because there are a lot of important things about you; you’re most likely honest, hard working, loyal and so on.
There’s no doubt that these are important qualities, but they tend to be of equal value, and we’re looking for something more fundamental.
There are various ways of exploring what a person’s core values are.
Exercise: Imagine that you have children that are grown up. How would you prefer they felt about you:
‘Mum and Dad were honest, loyal, hard-working. I’m not sure they really cared about me, but they were always honest and hardworking, etc.’
Or would you prefer they felt this way: ‘Mum and Dad were not perfect; they made mistakes, but they always cared about me and wanted what was best for me.’
For most people, the love and compassion they have for loved ones is the most important thing about them. People have regrets later on in life generally because they haven’t prioritised the connection with their loved ones.
A sobering thought to consider is what you would care about most on your death bed – would you care more about whether your spouse and children thought you were right or would you desperately hope that they knew how much you cared for them.
As long as we remain true to the most important things about us, we’ll feel authentic.
